Who would I be if I weren’t performing ?

Who would I be if I didn’t strive to perform at 120% all the time? If I stopped being praised for the superhuman effort I put in every time to meet the deadlines? If people stopped being impressed by how much I can push myself? I say to anyone who wants to hear it that my work doesn’t define me and yet I notice that 100 % of my energy goes into my job first, all the other aspects of my life get whatever is left of my energy, my enthusiasm and my presence. I should use past tense here as this got better in the last two years, but if I am not present, I can easily slide down that slope where my desire of being professional pushes me to work too much. If I am honest and I dig deeper, the work that I do is in fact still linked to my identity, what I think I deserve and my value as a human, much more than what I would like to admit. The fact that I’m a scientist and that I’m good at it has been my identity and my backbone since a very early age, something that gave me value and earned me appreciation and respect from others. If I work hard enough, I am appreciated, which is close enough to love. It’s a good substitute. It strokes my ego and calms me. I almost feel like I kind of belong. 

I’ve been passionate about science, especially chemistry, ever since high school, when I used to go to the Olympiads. My father was proud of my awards. Who would I be if I weren’t the best anymore?  And how would I pay for all the appreciation and affection I get, if I didn’t work myself to exhaustion to always exceed expectations? If I were just plain mediocre? If I weren’t the best anymore, would I still deserve love? And more important – could I still love myself?
I am slowly shifting to understand we are human beings, not human doings.

I am curious: How do you relate to this ? How much of what you do is linked with your identity? Leave me a comment if you feel like it.